Attack of the Autons

By Clinton Spencer

PART ONE

Ehren glanced at his watch. It read 2:10.

Clinton was late once again! thought Ehren.

Not only was he annoyed about him being late, but also because he had been a member of the NZDWFC for longer than him, he had earlier issues of Doctor Who Magazine and more books, which Clinton often reminded him about, by calling him ‘youngy’.

The only thing Ehren could say back was ‘I've been watching Doctor Who longer than you' and ‘I've got better grades than you’. For some unknown reason Clinton never seemed to mention his grades...

At last he saw Clinton wandering down the main street of Whakatane, otherwise known as the Strand.

‘My sister was driving. That's why I'm so late.’

Lies! thought Ehren. Total lies!

They began climbing the stairs to Hamertons, which is above the store Farmers. They dropped their bags in Ehren's mother's office, and they were back on the Strand before you could quote the Whakatane Phone Directory.

As they wandered down the street, they were heading mainly for a corner dairy which had many jars of Jelly Babies. Clinton noticed a store on the pavement which had many daffodils. This was not surprising, because it was the thirtieth of August: Daffodil Day.

‘That reminds me of the Third Doctor story Terror Of The Autons’ muttered Clinton, even though he had never seen the story.

‘And the person who is handing out the daffodils looks like an Auton!’ added Ehren.

The man reached out his hand, and his fingers dropped away - revealing a gun [Oh, how I stole that from Terrance Dicks!]. Clinton and Ehren threw themselves sideways, just missing a blast that scared the pavement. They dashed down an alleyway.

Suddenly Autons marched onto the Strand from everywhere. People turned to panic, they ran everywhere! Not because they were scared of the Autons, but because there was a huge sale at Farmers...

Window dummies came alive. They smashed the windows and chased the humans. Not because they wanted to kill them, but because they also wanted to get to the huge sale at Farmers...

Ehren and Clinton dashed down an alleyway. They hid behind a rubbish tin which was only there to give them something to hide behind in this stupid story.

‘This can't be true, Autons aren't real,’ muttered Ehren.

‘I thought that too,’ came a voice.

The two of them turned around. Standing there was Brendan and Shane calmly.

‘What the hell are you doing in the story!’ Clinton shouted.

‘We're the Whakatane Chapter members as well,’ they shouted back.

‘Pity,’ muttered Clinton. ‘I was hoping Ehren and I would be the only heroes.’

‘The Autons can't be real, and I'm going to prove it,’ explained Brendan.

‘How?’ asked Ehren and Shane.

‘I'm going out to touch one. If they are real, by some chance, I will make peace and then betray you like I did in that Role Playing Game of Clinton's.’

‘We'll throw a Dalek plunger at you again,’ said Shane.

Ignoring Shane's comment, Clinton said, ‘Don't you know, in Doctor Who the people who try to make peace with the enemies always get killed one way or another.’

‘It's only because of the writers,’ muttered Brendan. And with that, he marched down the alley towards the Strand.

Suddenly [Can't this writer think of a better word] an Auton walked around the corner and Brendan stopped in his tracks, not that he was making any.

‘I come in peace.’

Ehren buried his face in his hands. That was not the way to start at all, he thought.

Shane's eyes were glued on Brendan. He couldn't wait to see Brendan get blown to bits.

Clinton was deep in thought. How was he going to explain to Brendan's mother that her son had been blasted to the four corners of the Universe by a plastic figure?

‘I come in peace,’ repeated Brendan.

The Auton looked at the human. He seemed to be telling the truth, he thought. But he knew that in Doctor Who the enemy never made friends with the humans. So he raised his hand, his gun was revealed, and before you knew it, Brendan was blasted to the four corners of the Universe [That's if you don't count the planet Alpa132456].

For a moment they were frozen to the spot. This was because there had been a sudden cold snap. Luckily it was over a few seconds later.

‘Run for it!’ shouted Ehren rather loudly.

Clinton and him dashed off as fast as they could. Shane, on the other hand, thought ‘Run for it!’ meant to attack the Auton. He was soon to realise his mistake.

The Auton lined him up and fired!

It struck him in the chest but he kept on coming. The Auton backed away but Shane was too quick. He lifted it over his head... but then lost his balance. He crashed to the ground with the Auton on top. It aimed its gun... and you can find out the rest if you go to the Whakatane graveyard...

‘The Auton has killed Shane too,’ said Ehren as they ran.

‘Good.’

‘What?!’ yelled Ehren.

‘Shane was becoming too close to the hero of the story, so I paid the writer to bonk him off.’

‘Fair enough,’ answered Ehren.

The two of them came into the parking lot behind the Strand puffed. ‘We can't hang about here for long or they'll find us,’ said Ehren. He then noticed the back entrance to Paper Plus and a glass window next to it. ‘Quick! In here!’ he shouted.

It was then that they noticed they were surrounded by Autons, their guns aimed...

PART TWO

...at their own heads. Seconds later they shot themselves, and a few more seconds later the group were dead. They had done this because they were a Suicide Squad. [OK, don't laugh then!]

It was then that Ehren noticed more Autons coming, and pointed this out to Clinton, poking him in the eye at the same time. ‘Quick! Through here!’ he shouted.

Clinton dived hands-first through the Paper Plus window. He crashed to the ground, covered in glass, and found himself looking at someone's feet. He looked up... [No it wasn't an Auton but it was nearly something just as scary] ...to see the face of Ehren. [Help!! This would make a good ending of this episode but this useless story can't run for three episodes...]

‘How did you get through?’ asked Clinton.

Just when he thought Ehren was going to say, it was edited out, he said, ‘The Paper Plus door was unlocked so I walked through.’

‘Let's get out of this place.’ And with that they ran towards the front entrance.

The Autons looked from right to left. The humans had escaped, but that did not worry them. They made off for their main objective, Whakatane Radio Station 1XX. Ehren and Clinton watched them go.

1XX's secretary was typing when she heard a noise. She looked up to be faced by a group of mad Autons with their guns aimed at her. She was about to ask them if they had lost their wife Barbie, but stopped herself, just in case their name wasn't Ken... They opened fire and her left side was blasted to bits, but now she's all right... [What a poor pun, I feel sick.] The Autons made their way to the broadcasting room.

1XX's latest broadcaster, Neil B'Forme was just saying something that no-one in the bay was listening to, when he felt a twinge of pain up his back. Seconds later, he noticed a huge hole where his stomach should be and his guts were splattered over the microphone. He realised he was about to die, and did so without objecting.

The Autons began work.

Outside, Clinton and Ehren were talking. It was then that they realised the Auton scenes were over and it was back on the heroes, so they began saying stuff to do with this stupid story.

‘Why have Autons taken over 1XX?’ asked Clinton.

‘Don't you see, it is the only radio station in the world, once fitted with an Auton control, that will be able to send signals all over the planet,’ explained Ehren.

‘And those signals will make the daffodils come alive and kill everyone!’

‘This sounds like a copy of Terror Of The Autons, Mr Writer,’ muttered Ehren.

[Shut up, or I'll kill you off.]

Silence.

[Thank you.]

‘It's time we stormed 1XX!’ shouted Ehren. With that, they raced off.

The Auton leader made sure everything was ready. ‘Ten minutes to radio signal,’ he informed.

Suddenly the door burst open and in stormed Ehren and Clinton.

‘Destroy them!’ commander the leader.

A great battle began, but Clinton and Ehren fought like mad because they knew the future of the human race was at stake, but mostly because of not wanting to lose their lives.

They punched!!! They kicked!!! They chopped!!! They fought for their lives!!! [Sorry, but I love ! marks!!! Oh no! Pip and Jane are taking me over!!!]

After lots of action... the Duo 20, the Autons nil.

Autons lay everywhere, but the scene still looked plastic...

Clinton crashed to the ground. His left arm had been hit by a laser bolt. At least I can miss out on school, he thought.

Ehren was looking at the Auton machines. ‘In one minute, the signal will go off.’

‘Don't worry about me, destroy the gadgets,’ cried Clinton in pain.

I wasn't, thought Ehren, but said, ‘If I can reverse the polarity of the neutrons, I should just be able to save the world.’

‘Quick, only twenty seconds to go.’

There was a bang, and Ehren turned around. ‘Not as good as Jon, but I did it,’ he commented.

Clinton would have leapt into the air if his arm hadn't felt like falling off. Instead he said, ‘Damn you. You're one up on me. You've saved the world.’

Ehren smiled and thought, he can't call me ‘youngy’ any more...

Sometime later, Ehren and Clinton wandered down the empty street. Clinton's arm was in a sling. [How he got one was never explained, but Doctor Who was never great for that. We'll leave Jon Preddle to work that one out.]

There was a wheezing, groaning noise and out of nowhere [Sorry Terrance] a blue box landed. [I said ‘landed’ because I don't know how to spell materialised. Oops, I just contradicted myself. I'll be a Ben Aaronovitch and hope no-one notices.]

Out of the box stepped a man with a ? brolly. ‘So, what world must I save this time,’ he asked with a Scottish accent.

‘Scottish git,’ muttered Ehren.

‘Hey! I've got an uncle who's Scottish.’

Ehren turned to the man. ‘We've done it for you. If it wasn't for us the human race would be dead, so there!’ explained Ehren.

The man snubbed them and went back into the box. In a few seconds, it was gone.

‘What a geek!’ said Clinton. Ehren agreed.

With that they made their way off to the corner dairy...

As they walked along, Clinton fished out a copy of Curse and began reading. A description of the Doctor reminded him of the man from the box. Could it have been the Doctor?

If it had been, you shouldn't talk to strangers, anyway.

He dismissed the thought. Just then he bit his tongue.

That just ruined his day...

This item appeared in Timestreams 4 (April 1992).

Index nodes: Fiction