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The TRAKON Doctor Who Play

By Paul Scoones, Mark Roach & Jon Preddle

This play was presented in July 1989 by Auckland Chapter members at Trakon, New Zealand's first Doctor Who convention.

NARRATOR: Ladies, Gentlemen and Doctor Who fans, you are about to witness the world premiere of a missing segment from a Doctor Who story. You will have all seen Silver Nemesis last November. Well, how many of you were frustrated when the story ended just as Ace asked the Doctor who he really was. Was he, as was hinted at, a contemporary of those two great pioneer Time Lords, Rassilon and Omega? Was the Doctor involved in the discovery of time travel and the creation of TARDISes?

Well, the original script for Silver Nemesis didn't end with Ace's question as it turns out. Producer JNT in all his 'wisdom' thought it best if we fans were denied an explanation, so the last five minutes were cut out shortly before filming commenced. Just last week, Jon Preddle of our Auckland Chapter of the Doctor Who club was amazed and delighted to receive the original uncut Silver Nemesis script, and the members of the Chapter have decided to act it out for you today.

The missing scene, we can now reveal, was a flashback sequence to the Old Times on Gallifrey, the "Time of Chaos" mentioned by Lady Peinforte. Exactly why it has this name will shortly become obvious. So without further ado, on with our dramatisation. Recall, if you can, the last lines of Silver Nemesis.

(Ace and the Doctor come on and sit facing each other across a table).

ACE: There's just one thing, Professor...

DOCTOR: Yes Ace?

ACE: Doctor, who are you?

DOCTOR: (Speaking as he gets to his feet. Ace gets up too). Well, Ace, a long long time ago in a galaxy called Kasterborus...

(Ace and the Doctor stand in front of the table and wobble from side to side as in a flashback effect).

ACE + DOCTOR: Wooooooo...

(Ace moves off to one side of the table, the Doctor to the other, where Rassilon and Omega join him. They stumble slowly and indirectly towards the table, leaning on each other for support, quite obviously rolling drunk. They eventually make it to the table and all try to sit in the same chair and end up arguing amongst themselves as to where to sit - there are only three chairs. The Narrator comes on in front of this scene and points out the three Time Lords to the audience. Rassilon, Omega and the Doctor take no notice of the narrator.)

NARRATOR: The Gallifreyan Arms is the most popular tavern on the planet. As is usual on payday, the Doctor and his fellow workers, Rassilon and Omega, have gone on a pub crawl. Starting with the least popular pub and working up to this, the last drinking establishment on a long list... It has been a hard day's work at the lab, and most of their pay packets have already been spent on refreshments... (Narrator moves back off to the side.)

RASSILON: (In a belligerent manner.) So I said... I says yer can take that time rotor and shove it up yer-

DOCTOR: (Cutting sharply across whatever Rassilon was about to say) Barman!

NARRATOR: (Speaking to audience) You see here the result of BBC budget cutbacks. They can only afford so many actors, you know. (Adopts Barman guise and approaches table.) May I help you gentlemen?

DOCTOR: Yes, we'd like... Err... (Attempts to count the number of people at the table several times before resorting to a guess.) Err... Five screwdrivers - and make them sonic!

BARMAN: (Under his breath) Here we go again. (Louder to the Doctor) Ah, yes sir, sonic screwdrivers coming right up (He moves away.)

ACE: What's going on Doctor?

DOCTOR: (Noticing her for the first time. He looks down at his costume, obviously perturbed to find himself in his seventh persona) Ah, it seems I'm not quite myself tonight. Still continuity's never been that hot on this show.

OMEGA: (Who has also noticed Ace) Hey, Doc, Who's your chickie?

DOCTOR: That's err... (Searches his memory and fails to come up with her name.)

RASSILON: Hey girlie, get a load of this! (Stands up unsteadily, and with his back to the audience, flashes his coat open.)

ACE: What's that?

DOCTOR & OMEGA: (In awe.) The Rod of Rassilon!

(Rassilon returns to his seat as the drinks arrive.)

BARMAN: Your drinks, sirs. (Places cups on the table.)

DOCTOR: (Pulls pay packet from a pocket and hands Barman a note from it. Absently, he sticks the packet on his lapel.)

ACE: What's that?

DOCTOR: It's my salary!

(The Barman retreats to a distance.)

OMEGA: Doc, Doc! C'mere - Show me that trick you did in the lab today!

DOCTOR: What? That one where I transported myself back in time five minutes?

OMEGA: No, not that useless thing. I mean -

RASSILON: The one with the wet celery?

DOCTOR: I think I've had quite enough celery, don't you?

OMEGA: No! I mean the knife trick! Barman! Bring a knife!

BARMAN: (Runs up with knife and hands it over, panting from the run. Complains.) Who do you think I am? Blade runner? (Runs off)

DOCTOR: Here we go then. (Gets up from table, and starts doing the 'knife trick' from Aliens on Omega's hand. He is not good at it, and the blade slips, slicing off Omega's hand at the wrist. Something (?) oozes out.)

ACE: (Screams in typical companion reaction)

RASSILON: (Laughs) The Hand of Omega - disconnected!

OMEGA: (Begins sliding under table.) Arrrgh! I'm regenerating.

DOCTOR: Give him a hand.

RASSILON: (Hands Omega his hand.) Here yer go, Omega mate.

OMEGA: (Stares blankly at the offered hand and then slides gracefully from his seat. The Doctor staggers to Omega's assistance.)

RASSILON: He's drunk himself under the table again! I've got to hand it to you!

OMEGA: (The Doctor pulls Omega back into his seat. Omega has regrown his hand. He holds it up for all to see.) That's handy.

RASSILON: You call that regenerating?

DOCTOR: It'll come in handy one day.

BARMAN: (Returns to the table) Another round, sirs?

RASSILON: Come back five minutes ago!

(The Barman leaves.)

DOCTOR: Talking of round...

RASSILON: Speaking of squares...

OMEGA: (Inexplicably puts on Bellamy or Attenborough type characterisation) No, the problem is best explored in not two but three dimensions ...

RASSILON: Go stick your head in yer black hole, smarty!

OMEGA: (Loosing characterisation) Go play in your Death Zone!

DOCTOR: No - three dimensions and squares ... cubes!

RASSILON: Amazing! Dimensional thinking! I wish I'd thought of that!

DOCTOR: You will, Rassilon old mate, you will (The Doctor produces two cubes) Now, I have two cubes here ...

ACE: What's that?

OMEGA: It's his box, stupid. Don't you companions ever do anything except ask silly questions?

ACE: And sprain ankles, don't forget the ankles!

DOCTOR: She asks questions so I can explain everything and look very intelligent. (Sits back with a satisfied superior smirk on his face, clutching his cubes to his chest suggestively.)

ACE: Well? What is it?

DOCTOR: It's my Travel In Temporal Space device.

ACE: What's that?

BARMAN: (Coming over to the table) It's his Travel...

OMEGA: In...

RASSILON: Temporal...

DOCTOR: ...Space device. I was going to call it a Free And Relative Travel device or a Space Neutral Operation Terminal, but somehow Travel In Temporal Space seemed more appropriate, don't you think? (Turns cubes around to reveal a large circle on each one with a dot in the middle of each circle.)

OMEGA: How does it work?

ACE: Hey! That's my line!

DOCTOR: It's quite simple, really. I take this big box and this little box... (His concentration lapses and he has to struggle to remember what he intends to do) ...I take this big box and this little box and try to fit this big box into this little box. (Squash!) Look! I've just invented Timenstrongdinstillaquically!

RASSILON: You don't mean...

OMEGA: No, not...

DOCTOR: Yes! Gobbledegook! Where would the show be without words no one can say?

ACE: So what does it do?

DOCTOR: See, that's why I have a companion! (He holds up the remains of his two boxes) It's bigger on the outside than in!

RASSILON: Sounds like my rod!

OMEGA: Sounds like it's time for a song!

(All gather round for the Time Lord drinking song)

ALL: The TARDIS was really a pub that was very rarely stable.
Omega, Omega was a boozy beggar who could drink you under the table.
The Valeyard could out-consume that stupid tart Romana,
And the Inquisitor was a leery bore who was just as sloshed as the Master.
There's nothing the Doctor couldn't teach ya' 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Borusa himself was permanently pissed.
Old Spandrell of his own free will on half a bottle of shandy was particularly ill.
On Gallifrey they could stick it away on half a crate of whiskey every day.
Susan, Susan was a bugger for the boozin'
Rani was fond of a dram,
And Rassilon was a drunken fart - "I drink therefore I am."
Yes Borusa himself is particularly missed,
A lovely little Time Lord but a bugger when he's pissed.


BARMAN: Time, gentlemen, please.

DOCTOR, RASSILON & OMEGA: No, no, no! Shouldn't that be "Time Lords, please"?

BARMAN: As you wish. Time Lords please.

DOCTOR, RASSILON & OMEGA: It's a quarter past one!

RASSILON: I don't think I should be driving home. I'll give you my key. (Produces the Key to Time and hands it to the Doctor)

DOCTOR: You're giving me the Key to Time?

RASSILON: Yes. Just don't touch the thing on top.

DOCTOR: What, this? (He pulls out the core, and the segments break up)

RASSILON: (Sighs) Yes, that. One day, Doctor, you'll regret doing that. I'm sure someone will get you to put it back together again.

BARMAN: (Approaches Ace) Would you like a drink miss?

ACE: (As in the cereal advert) No. Go away!

RASSILON: (Joining in abuse of the Barman) Come on, Barman, you have a drink!

BARMAN: (Emotionless tones) No. I am a Soberman.

DOCTOR, RASSILON & OMEGA: Oh no! Not the Sobermen! (They start to shake in fear) We're sobering up!

OMEGA: We've got the DT's!

RASSILON: Oh no, it's worse than that!

DOCTOR, RASSILON & OMEGA: Oh no! It's the JNT's!

(They get up and stagger around, still shaking. This becomes the flashback effect. Ace and the Barman join in the effect.)

ALL: Woooooooo!

(Omega, Rassilon and the Barman exit. Ace the Doctor resume their former positions at the table.)

DOCTOR: Well Ace, now you know. That's how it all started!

ACE: Wicked!

NARRATOR: (Comes on stage again, followed by Omega and Rassilon) That item was bought to you by members of the Auckland Chapter of the New Zealand Doctor Who Fan Club.

DOCTORJon Preddle
ACEMurray Jackson
OMEGAMark Roach
RASSILONNeil Lambess
NARRATOR & BARMAN   Paul Scoones
Performed at Trakon, Saturday 22nd July 1989.

This item appeared in TSV 16 (December 1989).