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The Revenge of... The Pip and Jane Chronicles

By Christopher Owen

In which battle is joined and Pip and Jane extract revenge for years of humiliation.

"Now children, it's storytime, and this week's exciting tale features the Rani in a diabolical plan to catch the world's dolphin population in Taiwanese driftnets, and carry out fiendish experiments at Marineland Aquatic Park. But first..."

"We'd like to address some rumours circulating in an antipodean fanzine. These nasty, vile, scurrilous, vulgar, low down, sordid lies are completely untrue and impugn our illustrious integrity as providers of knowledge, wisdom, and learning, to the legions of young people who immortalize our every word."

"At this moment we would like to make an unequivocal statement of intent. Our stories were simply envisaged as ripping yarns, to excite and amuse followers of Doctor Who. But we took it on ourselves to go beyond the clarion call of duty, and attempt to educate. We wanted to broaden the minds of the poor innocent childen. We taught them to appreciate the sciences, through a greater understanding of biology, zoology, stellar mechanics, genetic engineering, thermodynamics, botany, ectoparaelectrohydropsychopaleontology..."

"Ectoparaelectrohydropsychopaleontology? But we never got a chance to that script, remember? The nice man at the desk turned us down."

"And the one at the BBC office when we tried to get our own television show. We just had so much material for 'The Pip and Jane Carnival Hour'."

"But then there's the other complaint laid against our work. They're complaining that we use too many exclamation marks! Ridiculous!! There's never too many exclamation marks!! It's just too exciting to leave them out, isn't it?!!!"

"Well, you see originally our manuscripts for our stories were dull and lifeless, and there wasn't any exclamation marks."

"But then the editor said that it sounded just like Terrance Dicks with a large thesaurus."

"So we made it more exciting by putting in more exclamation marks! That was a jolly good idea! Tell us how you did it! Please!!"

"Well... I found the search-and-replace command on the word processor - and I got it to change every single full stop to an exclamation mark!!"

"Golly!! Didn't that make it exciting? I mean, the more exclamation marks we put in, the more exciting it becomes!! And since we have more exclamation marks than anyone else, our books are the most exciting in the whole world."

"Hey, imagine what we could do to the Oxford English Dictionary. I bet they have lots of boring full stops..."

"You know what, children? You can do it too!! You can wreak revenge on that nasty person who complains about our work, by changing every full stop in his article to an exclamation mark!!! But why stop there? Turn every full stop in the whole world into an exclamation mark!!!"

"Golly, won't they be pleased!"

This item appeared in TSV 24 (August 1991).

Index nodes: The Pip and Jane Chronicles